2 years

Wow, I can't believe it has been 2 years today. I have to admit that this year I have been more of a scrooge, a Grinch than a jolly soul. When I started to see signs of Christmas my heart ached because the memories of 2007 came flooding back to me. I felt angry and bitter again and didn't even want to put up the tree or decorate my house. When I would be out shopping I hated seeing mothers and daughters together. I hated seeing sisters giggling with each other as they shopped together. I have felt very alone.
But as the season progressed I was ashamed and knew Mom would not want me to be like that. I needed to be happy and as a mother and domestic engineer, it is up to me to make sure our Christmas is magical, just like my Mom taught me.

I wondered, why did mom had to die at Christmas? Out of all the days of the year...why Christmas? Then I realized what I learned that year and all I was taught because she died at Christmas. We made Christmas more simple, we created more memories together by spending more time together. We focused more on the savior and we served more.

I am a basket case at times and I remember at Thanksgiving time when we were all together talking. I wanted to make sure Mom could do all the things she always wanted to do in her life. I wanted to take her on a trip etc. etc. She looked at me and said "Be still, and just enjoy life. Be Calm."

I remember a few months earlier having a conversation with her and she told me about a lesson she had listened to at church. It was about our bodies and she told me how grateful she was for her body and the amazing journey she has had with her body. She told me how she has born 9 babies, she has walked in many amazing places, she had seen some spectacular sights and heard her grandchildren giggle. She explained to me how she had been so angry with her body and how it could be diseased and dying, but had gained a great appreciation for it that day. She had no regrets.

She taught me so much. I want to be better and try harder. I may not live near family and I may be alone a lot, but I can choose to be happy and serve others as my mom would want me to.

I so appreciated Grandma Robertson's Christmas letter this year. As I search for a more simpler life, it made me think and reflect.
"Learn to like the sunrise and sunset, the beating of rain on the roof and windows, and the gentle fall of snow on a winter's day. Learn to keep your wants simple and like what doesn't cost much. Learn to like fields, trees, brooks, hiking,rowing and climbing hills" That is exactly what Mom would say, and what she meant when she said, "Be still, enjoy life and be calm."

So, I think that my Mom died at Christmas because she wanted to give me a gift. A gift that she couldn't give me Christmas day, and I am thankful every day for that gift.

Mom, I miss you everyday. I long for your voice to be on the phone, I long for another road trip together. I miss your smile, brown eyes and lipstick. I miss your laughter and your many talents, and especially shopping. I miss your advice and ideas. I hope I am doing it right, at times I'm just not sure. I know you are near and helping us along. I feel that and am so thankful that you are not far away. Please tell Lori that I miss her so, and I am so thankful that you have each other. I wish for her example here, but know that she is needed elsewhere.
I think about you both every day. Thank you for all you taught me. I am trying.
Merry Christmas. I love you.